this independent good boy don’t need no human
You Might Also Like
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.