“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
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As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.