A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
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My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?