Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
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Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
peep davidson
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.