Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
You Might Also Like
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Ovenable?
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Favourite diary entry ever
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Writing, She Murdered.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.