‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
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Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Speak now or ever hold your peace