KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
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Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
I missed you with all my darts
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Sign at work today
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”