Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
You Might Also Like
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.