I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
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My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?