You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
You Might Also Like
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
BRAKING NEWS!!
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup