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We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
the #horror is real!
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round