My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
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If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Trumpy Cat
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.