Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
You Might Also Like
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks