judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
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NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
Tastes like chicken.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.