Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
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Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
consequences, the bane of my existence
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah