If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
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June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library