A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
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GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.