beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
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My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held