Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
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Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
no their not
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…