You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
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“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.