GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
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Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.