The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
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My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
‘I know a black person’
– White people
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Name this drama.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Choose your fighter