Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
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CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic