Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
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Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?