Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
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Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭