If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
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i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
I’m good, thanks.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
ugh not again
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.