Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
You Might Also Like
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
jesus christ confetti not now
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.