[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
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Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.