I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
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They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan