wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
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My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
selfie game
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.