a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
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science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope