searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
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People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Two types of dogs.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me