The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
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Happy thanksgiving
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom