What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
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Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
This is the one
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.