Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
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Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Banana is the quietest snack