When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
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[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?