Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
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Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Social distancing in Australia:
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
I have a type: disappointing
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words