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6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”