My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
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two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
*bites zombie*
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.