The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
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“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
The future is now.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”