In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
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Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.