“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
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“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting