Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
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I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
dads on road-trips be like
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
TEETH IS INNOCENT
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.