I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
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I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
This makes total sense…
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.