Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
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I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
#Caturday
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Risking my life for fun.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there