Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
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lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
“just sayin” who asked you though?
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.