Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
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Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
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Password expired
******
Password ex…
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.