The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
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Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!