Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
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Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.