i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
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Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Going to church you guys need anything
no their not
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
A short story of betrayal:
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER